Because this is where I’m sitting.

Honesty Hour: Mr. Technical

Before I begin blogging about all my latest and greatest dating (mis)adventures, I have to come clean about how stupidly I acted with Mr. Technical. It’s kind of embarrassing, but I try to be as honest as possible with you all so here goes. 

I re-met him at the beginning of July. He is handsome — so fucking handsome. He has traveled; he has seen, done, experienced so many brilliant things. He’s educated and open-minded. He’s genuine. He admired things about me that no man has ever acknowledged before. He made me feel as though I was the only girl in the world who mattered to him. For about 3 fucking weeks. 

Somewhere around the beginning of August, I knew it was time to cut ties with him. He made me second guess myself. He shamed me for my behavior while drunk, which to be fair, was not my finest moment but come the fuck on man, we all do it. He broke plans with me. He went MIA for days at a time. He ignored me when I wanted to talk to him. He said he’d be better; he wasn’t. He promised to come to events with me and would find an excuse every single time to get out of it. He would get weird texts in the middle of the night from other women and make me feel like I was crazy for asking who it was. He would go to events with a group of other people and only tell me a portion of who was there. He ignored me for days at a time but shamed me if I didn’t respond within several hours. He made me think I was demanding and unrealistic because I wanted a commitment from him.  

And it worked. It all worked. I felt like I wasn’t good enough. Like I was this emotionally out-of-control woman who had no concept of what an adult relationship is. Like I was immature and “crazy.” Like I was constantly overreacting. Like I was jealous, obsessive, insecure. 

You’ve probably already done the math. I said I met him in July and knew in August I should call it quits. So why am I just now writing this in March? Because I let it go on that long. 

I let an unhealthy relationship go on because I was hoping it would be something more. I was in love with the idea of who he made me think he was. I ignored the reality of things. I let his thoughts and words into my mind, and I let them change how I felt about myself. 

Somewhere in November, I came to the realization that if I was watching one of my friends do what I was doing, I would want to literally slap her, shake her, do anything I could to get her to understand that she was wasting her time. 

I told him that we clearly had different ideas of what a relationship should be. I told him that my wants and needs were not met and it left me feeling drained and unhappy. I told him I wasn’t willing to listen to him say he was going to do better for months and months. 

We’ve been speaking intermittently since then. I don’t believe he is a bad person, not at all. But I don’t think he’s as fantastic as I did. I’m no longer interested in him romantically. I don’t see a future with us. I’m indifferent now, but I wasn’t. 

I was hurt, sad, mad. Mainly with myself. I don’t know how I ignored my gut and remained in such a fruitless situation for months and months. It’s seriously embarrassing. I give advice to all of my friends, and often times to people on Tumblr. p.s. keep asking because I’m great at advice when I’m not emotionally involved. Yet here I sat for months and months knowing nothing was going to change but hoping I was wrong. 

Here I sat being in love with someone who made me feel like a lesser version of myself. Someone who didn’t value my feelings. Someone who never listened to me but always told me I was wrong. 

I could go on for days about how the whole situation made me feel, but that’s not what is important. What’s important is that I learned from the situation. 

I learned that the second anyone makes me feel lesser is not worth my time. I now know that when my gut says walk, it’s time to walk no matter how hard that is. I learned that when my basic wants and needs are not met, it’s not worth continuing. 

Those lessons didn’t come easy. They didn’t come without tears and frustration, but they came nonetheless. And I’ll take them with me into my new foray into the dating world. I’ll be smarter next time. 

What is my life?

As you may know, I recently uprooted my KC life to move to a bigger potentially better city. Yes, I’m still in the midwest… I couldn’t help but stay close to my fam. 

Since my grand move a mere three weeks ago, I’ve spent much of my time eating pizza, drinking wine, watching House of Cards and Tinder-lining men up. 

I’ve got a few dates I need to fill you in on. I think one guy was on drugs. This other one, well he clearly had some mad issues with death and fatal disease. Another guy, I kinda stood him up. I feel a little bad because I would have been bummed if it happened to me, but I’m starting to understand the guys that just fall off. I just didn’t want to say anything. I didn’t want to create a falsity to get out of it, and honestly do I really owe you that any way? I’ve never even met you, dude. 

Well anyways, as I sit here in my new apartment… I’ve been spending at least one night in per weekend and maintaining a certain level of awareness while I’ve been out. I guess maybe, just maybe, I’m growing up a little bit. But EF that shit man, I’m still so young. But am I? Am I really? 

This pizza- and mid-tier-wine-filled life is magical, but does it mean I’m kind of growing up? Is that what I want? Should I be raging until 4AM and waking up at 2PM? I just don’t know. I have the rest of my life to be grown up and figured out. Am I retiring too early? 

I’m looking for someone to travel with me here to put our own lock on this bridge because we both love new places and leaving our mark. 

I’m looking for someone to travel with me here to put our own lock on this bridge because we both love new places and leaving our mark. 

Back in the saddle

I moved to a bigger city with so many more men than I’m used to. It’s so amazing. I don’t hardly know anyone here so when I meet someone we don’t automatically connect like six different dots. It’s unlikely that I ever made out with his college roommate or shacked up with his cousin… yes, those were real issues in KC. It’s a big small town. 

So, my options are pretty endless here. Both IRL and drumroll please  on Tinder. That’s right, I’m on Tinder, and I’m loving it. It’s seriously hysterical. I mean, some of the guys actually seem legit, but more than anything I just like the swiping. 

Stay tuned, because I’m pretty sure this life of mine is about to get about as ridiculous (-ly awesome) as it’s ever been. 

Peace out KC.

nycfitbunny:

why have a “his & hers” when I could have “mine & mine”?

I fucking love garlic.
So many people glorify and romanticize “busy”. I do not. I value purpose. I believe in resting in reason and moving in passion. If you’re always busy/moving, you will miss important details. I like the mountain. Still, but when it moves lands shift and earth quakes.
Joseph Cook (via inkdroptheory)